Thursday, 27 October 2011

News From the Field

Some shocking news. Read on...
From: Evan
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 7:43 AM
To: Le Office
Subject: Not a good sign

I received a series of emails from one of our local field crew chiefs last night. They had decided to work in the evening hours, under the cover of darkness, to avoid being spotted by the Zombie Horde and I am afraid to say that the outcome is quite disturbing.

There is no better time than now to come over to my desk and make a pledge or donation to the United Way,  to ensure that we have professional protection on Monday.

Please review the emails and decide for yourself. (Then go wash your hands.)  
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(To break up the wall of text after the jump, there's a picture of a kitty waiting for you)


See? Kitty!
From: Andy 
Sent: October-26-11 11:14 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - All is Well

Hey Evan,

I was relieved to hear that whatever is happening out here in the field we’re not alone. Shawn and I were held up in Brooks for days, barely slipping out to grab legal evidence (we just couldn’t help it) during the dusk hours when the horde seems to have had trouble spotting us.

We’ve had numerous incidents (all recorded on our safety sheets) and had no idea what to do. The bottle of Purel we had in the truck definitely helped, washing our hands surely saved us. We ran out a couple hours ago but are pretty sure they’re plenty clean. A few of the afflicted got too close the other day, but a couple swift jabs from the pogo kept them from inflicting more than a couple scratches (one that looks rather infected).

Again though, I’m sure we’re fine. Flu season may be slowing me down a bit though.

Andy <String of Titles>
<Generic Company Signature>

This email contains confidential information and is intended only for the person(s) named above. Distribution, copying or disclosure is strictly prohibited. If you receive this email in error, please notify us immediately and delete the original transmission. Thank you.
Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail

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From: Andy 
Sent: October-26-11 11:17 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - Still Quite Well

Just a quick field update, I’m confused by the affliction hitting the world. It seems to have manifested a bit differently out here than in the downtown core. Here it just seems to make everyone smell amazing, well everyone that isn’t slowly rotting that is.

The horde is actually quite accommodating, don’t seem too bothered by my presence anymore.. Shawn is still having a bit of trouble fending them off though, base batteries seem to be his weapon of choice. Swung like a mace they can take down two or three at a time.

Starting to feel a bit sorry for the poor guys though, they’re just trying to eat..

Andy <String of Titles>
<Generic Company Signature> 

This email contains confidential information and is intended only for the person(s) named above. Distribution, copying or disclosure is strictly prohibited. If you receive this email in error, please notify us immediately and delete the original transmission. Thank you.
Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail

*** 

From: Andy
Sent: October-26-11 11:19 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - Doing Amazing Never Better

So I think we should all try and maybe make amends with our new zombie neighbours.  If let inside they turn out to be amazing party guests. I’ve met quite a few who make a fantastic crème brule. It’s been a terrible misunderstanding that they want to eat your flesh, despite how succulent it looks…

Shawn turned out to be quite tast---rude the last day or so. He’ll no longer be working for us, I think he’s found somewhere better to be and no one should try contacting him there. He doesn’t want to be bothered.


Andy Crew Chief, Zombassador
<Generic Company Signature> 

This email contains information you should use to survive and is intended only for the person(s) named above. Attempting to flee will only result in excessive waste of zombenergy. If you receive this email in error, please notify us of where you are immediately so we can come have a hang out. Thank you.
Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail


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From: Andy
Sent: October-26-11 11:28 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Fi3ld Update - Friends and Banquets

CanT we all just get al0ng?

I’ve requ3sted a few days off so 1 can come int0 the office and run a br0wn-bag sesSi0n about how we should all just gEt togetHEr for a feast and hang oUt.

Don’t w0rRy about briNGIng anyth1ng, my friendS and I w1ll cov3r all the f0od.


Andy Crew Chief, Articling ZombiKing
<Company Name> Zombies Were People Too

A good brain is a wonderful thing to taste. If you receive this email in error, please tell me where you are, I very hungry. Thank you.
P Please consider the zombies before locking the doors, how are we to get in?

***

I'm sort of speechless after this whole thing. Within half an hour, a cherished employee of this company, and beloved coworker has gone from being a more-or-less intelligent human to being one of the slavering masses. And I wonder if we'll ever hear from poor Shawn again? Hopefully he'll turn up.

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