From: Evan
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 7:43 AM
To: Le Office
Subject: Not a good signI received a series of emails from one of our local field crew chiefs last night. They had decided to work in the evening hours, under the cover of darkness, to avoid being spotted by the Zombie Horde and I am afraid to say that the outcome is quite disturbing.There is no better time than now to come over to my desk and make a pledge or donation to the United Way, to ensure that we have professional protection on Monday.Please review the emails and decide for yourself. (Then go wash your hands.)
***(To break up the wall of text after the jump, there's a picture of a kitty waiting for you)
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See? Kitty! |
Sent: October-26-11 11:14 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - All is Well
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - All is Well
Hey Evan,
I was
relieved to hear that whatever is happening out here in the field we’re not
alone. Shawn and I were held up in Brooks for days, barely slipping out to grab
legal evidence (we just couldn’t help it) during the dusk hours when the horde
seems to have had trouble spotting us.
We’ve had
numerous incidents (all recorded on our safety sheets) and had no idea what to
do. The bottle of Purel we had in the truck definitely helped, washing our
hands surely saved us. We ran out a couple hours ago but are pretty sure
they’re plenty clean. A few of the afflicted got too close the other day, but a
couple swift jabs from the pogo kept them from inflicting more than a couple
scratches (one that looks rather infected).
Again
though, I’m sure we’re fine. Flu season may be slowing me down a bit though.
Andy
<String of Titles>
<Generic Company Signature>
This email contains confidential information and is intended only for the person(s) named above. Distribution, copying or disclosure is strictly prohibited. If you receive this email in error, please notify us immediately and delete the original transmission. Thank you.
Please consider the
environment before printing this e-mail
***
From: Andy
Sent: October-26-11 11:17 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - Still Quite Well
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - Still Quite Well
Just a
quick field update, I’m confused by the affliction hitting the world. It seems
to have manifested a bit differently out here than in the downtown core. Here
it just seems to make everyone smell amazing, well everyone that isn’t slowly
rotting that is.
The horde
is actually quite accommodating, don’t seem too bothered by my presence
anymore.. Shawn is still having a bit of trouble fending them off though, base
batteries seem to be his weapon of choice. Swung like a mace they can take down
two or three at a time.
Starting to
feel a bit sorry for the poor guys though, they’re just trying to eat..
Andy <String of Titles>
This email
contains confidential information and is intended only for the person(s) named
above. Distribution, copying or disclosure is strictly prohibited. If you
receive this email in error, please notify us immediately and delete the original
transmission. Thank you.
Please consider the
environment before printing this e-mail
***
From: Andy
Sent: October-26-11 11:19 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - Doing Amazing Never Better
Sent: October-26-11 11:19 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Field Update - Doing Amazing Never Better
So I think
we should all try and maybe make amends with our new zombie neighbours. If
let inside they turn out to be amazing party guests. I’ve met quite a few who
make a fantastic crème brule. It’s been a terrible misunderstanding that they
want to eat your flesh, despite how succulent it looks…
Shawn
turned out to be quite tast---rude the last day or so. He’ll no longer be
working for us, I think he’s found somewhere better to be and no one should try
contacting him there. He doesn’t want to be bothered.
Andy Crew Chief, Zombassador
<Generic Company Signature>
This email contains information you should use to survive and is intended only for the person(s) named above. Attempting to flee will only result in excessive waste of zombenergy. If you receive this email in error, please notify us of where you are immediately so we can come have a hang out. Thank you.
Please consider the
environment before printing this e-mail
***
From: Andy
Sent: October-26-11 11:28 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Fi3ld Update - Friends and Banquets
Sent: October-26-11 11:28 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Fi3ld Update - Friends and Banquets
CanT we all
just get al0ng?
I’ve
requ3sted a few days off so 1 can come int0 the office and run a br0wn-bag sesSi0n
about how we should all just gEt togetHEr for a feast and hang oUt.
Don’t w0rRy
about briNGIng anyth1ng, my friendS and I w1ll cov3r all the f0od.
Andy
Crew Chief, Articling ZombiKing
<Company Name> Zombies Were People Too
A good brain is a wonderful thing to taste. If you receive this email in error, please tell me where you are, I very hungry. Thank you.
P Please consider the
zombies before locking the doors, how are we to get in?
***
I'm sort of speechless after this whole thing. Within half an hour, a cherished employee of this company, and beloved coworker has gone from being a more-or-less intelligent human to being one of the slavering masses. And I wonder if we'll ever hear from poor Shawn again? Hopefully he'll turn up.
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