Gotta Get Down on Friday

I'm running out of clever post titles. Its turning into a busy day for the impending zombie battle. Its nice to see that my coworkers are finally realizing that this is Serious Business.

Rather than have three little posts, its going to be one larger post with the goings on of this morning. First off, a note from the horde:

From: Zombie Horde
Sent: Friday, October 28, 2011 8:32 AM
To: Le Office
Subject: Monday's Meeting

Hello, We wood like to meat the HEADS of your office. How does a quarter after your brains sound? See you Monday.

- Zombie Horde

Zombies in the news:

Safety

My office has some pretty major safety policies. One of them is that each member submits a safety topic that is displayed when we enter our timesheets. We have to acknowledge that we read the topic, and in return, we get 'safety points' which can be used towards gift cards and other things. My turn to submit came up last week, and I sent in the following (which showed up as today's safety message):

10/28/2011 12:00:00 AM
There are all kinds of emergencies that we can plan for, including the zombie apocalypse. It may sound like fiction, but its not an impossibility. Many films depict zombies as created by an infectious virus, passed on by bites. Its possible that a mutation of mad-cow (or Creutzfeldt–Jakob), measles or rabies could cause zombie-like symptoms.


So how can you prepare? A disaster emergency kit and an emergency plan.
Stockpile water (4L/person/day), non-perishable food items, prescription and non-prescription medications, tools and supplies, sanitation supplies (for keeping zombie viruses at bay), clothing, copies of important documents, and First Aid supplies.


For an emergency plan, identify the types of emergencies that are possible in your area (in Alberta, there’s flooding, tornadoes, zombies, blizzards, etc). Pick a primary and secondary meeting place for your family to regroup. Identify emergency contacts like police, fire department, zombie response squad, and an out-of-town contact that you can contact to let the rest of your family know you’re ok.

Recycling

Bastards used Comic Sans again. Evil. Pure evil.

From: Zombie Horde
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 2:36 PM
To: Le Office
Subject: Lnch & LeaRn

Greetings and Salutations,

A specially trained team of recycling experts will be in your office October 31 for a lunch and learn about how to reuse discarded corpses and cadavers. You will be the lunch and you will learn.

Please have a flip chart and lots of ketchup ready.

Public Media Education Team - Zombie Horde

Studies

There's no hope for me then...

From: Laura
Sent: October-27-11 11:58 AM
To: Evan
Subject: FW: Brains Study

Evan,

Turns out the Zombie Horde is using a new form of English to communicate (If you can read the following, you may be susceptible to the Zombie Virus. Please exercise extreme caution, consider getting some zombie protection and for goodness sake, wash your hands!)

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.  PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.  

All I can do now is wash my hands, and hope for the best...

I'd Much Rather Have Shawarma

Who knows what is *really* in falafel anyway? Sure, wikipedia says chickpeas, but I call shenanigans on that.

From: Zombie Horde
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 8:06 AM
To: Le Office
Subject: Lunch PLans?

Hello. We wood like to have lunch with you today. HOw does falafels and brains sound?

-Zombies

News From the Field

Some shocking news. Read on...

From: Evan
Sent: Thursday, October 27, 2011 7:43 AM
To: Le Office
Subject: Not a good sign

I received a series of emails from one of our local field crew chiefs last night. They had decided to work in the evening hours, under the cover of darkness, to avoid being spotted by the Zombie Horde and I am afraid to say that the outcome is quite disturbing.

There is no better time than now to come over to my desk and make a pledge or donation to the United Way,  to ensure that we have professional protection on Monday.

Please review the emails and decide for yourself. (Then go wash your hands.)  

***

(To break up the wall of text after the jump, there's a picture of a kitty waiting for you)

A Proposal is Suggested

Evan has been in contact with this zombie hunter he met. He's not licensed, which is lame, but the price is certainly right.

From: Evan
Sent: Wednesday, October 26, 2011 12:59 PM
To: Le Office
Subject: RE: Zombie Issues and Proposal

Good Afternoon All,

October 31 is getting closer and the zombie activity has only worsened. I have asked John “Karma the Zombie Killer” for a quote and he is willing to come if we raise $500 for the United Way!

The details are below. Please see me with your donations and pledges I will make sure you get a tax receipt! (Remember to wash your hands before you come to my desk!)

It is very important during these troubling times that we stand together in unison and remember to wash our hands!

Thank you!

Evan

From: John Karma London
Sent: October-26-11 12:44 PM
To: Evan
Subject: Zombie Issues

Evan;

Here are the details regarding your Zombie Infestation.

I am not (yet) licensed by the ZPreparedNetwork and so I can’t legally charge for my services. However, I am willing to donate my time on behalf of the United Way if you can raise at least $500.

So, here is my proposal:

I can provide “Piece of Mind” basic protection for those willing to make a donation of $25 or more. The zombies won’t get a chance to touch you. I solemnly promise.

For a donation of $50 or more you can become part of the action! You can choose to help me out fighting the zombies with weapons provided and my specialized techniques! Or you can choose to join the zombie horde team and spend the day moaning and grunting. Then you will participate in the Zombie Walk to Starbucks.

Here is the catch. Zombies need to eat. They need to eat brains. And Calgary Zombies love them some corporate leadership brains. So, if I provide protection for everyone, we will need to sacrifice your boss – Mark [the boss]– to the horde and their will. Mark must be overtaken and dressed down by the Zombie Horde. Oh-key-doh-key?

So, keep me informed with your fundraising effort and LMK if you have any questions.

Be safe and remember to wash your hands.

John London

Karma the Zombie Killer

(I don’t hate Zombies – I just love killing them)

From: Evan 

Sent: October-26-11 12:44 PM
To: John Karma London
Subject: Karma is coming!

Karma,

Zombies have entered the building and judging from the color in some of my co-workers eyes, I’d say it’s too late for many of them. Please come and help me protect this office! Our clients and families are counting on you!

Thanks and have a great day

Evan